"There is a river flowing swiftly
whose streams make glad Jerusalem
the holy place where martyrs worship
the Kingdom where the Most High dwells

now is the time to strip away
where strongholds fall like cracking clay

where hard hearts are steeped in mercy
for the glory of His Name"

If you ceased to love me
I should die
I’d shrivel like a slug in a salt shower
I’d curl up like a frightened roly-poly
I feared my heart was petrified
a hopeless waste of stone
for the last few years I’d traveled
were the strangest this heart’s known
but you came in like a whisper
umbrella’d me with joy
planted flowers in my spirit
and—
You are a rhyme with no beginning
who can’t be summed into and end
You Are who You Are and will be
with whom no darkness contends

Refine

Tell me Maker, won’t You please,
Why blessings come in spades
These are the joyful days

The sun, it woke me up today
I know not what to pray
It seems my heart is glass

Shatter all the thoughts I mask
In You I put my hope
All others have to go

Refine my heart ‘till it is gold
Renew all that is old
Seek and I shall find

Matthew 5:37

Muster on a faithful trot
Weighted by the cares I sought
Repentance is my freeing lot
I beg it claims my heart

Stayed within a purposed stall
Integrity is worth the crawl
If I’m to wash my tongue of gall
I must first lay bare my heart



"Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one." Matt. 5:37

rainy-day discipleship

It’s Monday. It’s the most wonderfully dreary day we’ve had thus fall, and I’ve somehow managed to shift my gaze from Christ onto myself. I’m getting ready for work, and spiraling further and further into a generally foul mindset. I whine to my Father about the same aspect of myself that I can’t seem to swallow, and He asks me what my purpose is, “It’s to bring You glory….”

“Are you doing that?”

Good point.

I’ve been mulling the enormity of discipleship in my head all day. It itches me—highlights my shyness to commitment. Yes, I love Jesus; no, I can’t imagine life without Him; yes, I want Him to be in control of my life, but I’m scared. I’m for sure working out my salvation with fear and trembling (Philippians 2:12). The more I encounter the presence of God—the more the awesomeness of the King of Kings administering justice from the throne room becomes a reality, the more I fear my duplicity. Oh Lord, give me grace to serve You with all that I am. Anyway, I’m in. I’m shaking in my boots, but I’m in. I call to Elise in the other room, “Wanna read our Bibles together when I’m done?”

“Sure!”

She’s game. Green light.
So, here we go: discipleship meeting #1. Location: our bedroom floor. Desired impartation: learning to listen and recognize the voice of God.

I inquire if Elise has comprehended Uncle Sam’s teachings on discipleship, the last few Sunday’s. She’s a bit foggy. I do my best to break down the requirements of a disciple (How advanced is the cognitive development of a nine-year-old? Does she comprehend what I’m saying? Okay, I trust the Holy Spirit inside of us both—onward). A disciple understands that the Lord has complete control over her life; she wants to know Jesus—knows the joy of obedience and learning to listen to His voice. I ask if Elise has ever heard Jesus’ voice; she hits me with an uncertain smile—isn’t sure. “Alright, the Lord speaks in a lot of different ways. Sometimes, when I’m reading the Bible a verse will stand out to me. Sometimes He speaks through dreams—like Dad talks about a lot. Sometimes you will see a picture either with your eyes closed or open, a vision. Sometimes you “hear” a word or phrase in your mind.”

“How do you know it’s His voice?”

“Well, sometimes you have this joyous burning feeling inside you—like when He asks you to do something. Another way to tell if what you’re hearing is from Him is by comparing it to what the Bible says. That’s why it’s so important for us to know the Bible. Like if I’m listening and I ‘hear’ ‘do not fear,’ I know that that’s not from the enemy because it’s in alignment with the truth in my Bible. Negative things like ‘you are worthless’ are not from the Lord. Even when he rebukes or corrects us, it always brings joy. I think the best way to learn how to recognize His voice is by practice. So, wanna give it a shot?” She’s still with me. “Alright, so what we’re going to do is be silent for a few minutes. I’m going to ask the Lord to speak to us (He’s always speaking), and let’s practice setting our minds on Him and waiting in expectation for if He would have anything to speak to us.”

This is awkward. All of my words have been jerking, inexperienced attempts at conveying one of the most central aspects of our walk with Christ. I’m begging the Lord not to let me be put to shame. The silence settles, and awkwardness fades as sneak a glance at my sister—her face peaceful, relaxed, waiting with me, trustful. I settle down. The moments pass in silence.

[Pieces of a worship song slide through my mind. I’m still a bit frenzied. I rest in the beauty of knowing how pleased the Lord must be with this sweet little lamb before me. I know He’s joyous with His daughter….“My grace is sufficient.”]

“Okay. Did you get anything?” She shakes her head. “That’s alright.”

“Did you hear anything?”

“Yeah.” I present the few things I received.

“So do you actually hear His voice, or is it more like your voice in your mind?”

That’s one of those difficult-to-explain things. I fumble an answer, “Yeah, it’s not like I’m hearing his voice with my ears—“

“I know…”

“Yeah, well, you know when you’re thinking about something and words are going through your mind? Kinda like that.”

I feel myself careening down a theological latter. I’m really butchering this. I disregard my futility at affective articulation and move on.

“Let’s try to do this together every day this week. It’s going to be so much fun when we start recognizing His voice even better.” She agrees.
This is messy; this is far from profound, but it's a start. This is for eternity. It's way more valuable than painting our nails. We’re in.

One fresh breath of which stirred my heart to beat
A lengthened strum to seek a rawer feat
And winds which rough against my hungry face
A touch of wilderness is worth the wait

Seasoned eyes which look Into the deep
See shadowed glances of a harbored fear
And words which understand a weakened hope
See into gazes overlaid with stone

Thick the night that muffles aching tears
Partnered with a sister's hurting cares
Shared within the warmth of one small cot
It seems a bit forgotten, does it not

If solace stirs our hopeful hearts to hear
A voice unlike the ones we daily bear
Journey to the room where we may find
A peace which humbles a swollen martyr mind


[Inspired by Chris Bathgate's "Serpentine"]

Alto Pass

Today we found Mrs. Froggy's shut down
The soil over Mr. Jeremiah already settled down
The breath is leaving this little town
And Has been ever since the railroad was torn out

The root beer saloon's light's still on
With the same lost woman who cursed our youth
New age fetishes that line the booths
Most the tourists have come and gone

There sits Grandma Weissman's store
As a child i played on her shag-carpet floor
And ate Nanna's cheesecake--we always wanted more
I don't know where all the time goes

"Your Love"

Gapped heart as wide as the horizon
Glasses on, quicken the blackness of dusk
Said goodbye to dear friends
And the sky's been crying as we travel today
Hide away to feel safe
Hunger is a pain, just like heartache
Feel the silence drowning out all noise
Carry on; on and on
No plan near
Still we run
Ever steady
On and on

Yesterday's manna rotten in my mouth
I did not gather new today
Been fighting against you all day
Beating the air
Cowering in wasted love
Broken

Daddy
"Your love tears me up
When it's done puts me together.
Your love calls me out of my doubt and my failure"

Limp in your arms
Sunglasses on
Hair up
I mouth the words I haven't the strength to voice

"your love tears me up
When it's done puts me together.
Your love calls me out of my doubt and my failure"

Im afraid I'll lose myself if I give myself to You
But it's a battle worth losing
I know it's true



[Quotations taken from Shane and Shane's "Your Love"]

steady, now

One last stop that I can foresee
the months ahead lay shrouded in thickest cover
awaiting living breath to raise them from their unborn slumber
I’ve never been one without a plan
I find that I am without one, now
but I am fully here
My thoughts were always elsewhere
flitting towards the next moment
the present fleeting and forgotten
the past a gray haze
now, the days are full and real
slow, but alive
tangible
filled with whisperings of Fatherly assurance
I am here
I am finally here
How thankful I am for this purposed stall
my slate is clean, and You hold my heart
I knew how to run
now You’re teaching me to walk
what a gloriously simple endeavor
May I never forget the beauty in waiting

Freedom in the face of imperfection

This was a day that beckoned freedom
cool came to relieve us from the sun
but even so I disqualified myself
from hearing the voice of Love


lightening trembled in the deep
and clouds curled in the sky like smoke
and we laid our thoughts down
and let them slide into the gabled roof


our eyes were crafted to behold beauty
I thought I’d find it in perfection
and despised myself for all my flaws
that withheld me from what I craved to be


but we were who we were made to be
and it’s truer now to me
that our lots of imperfection
are our portions of humility


and beauty is not what they thought


it is not bound as some seek to bind it
it is not predetermined by how other eyes perceive it
it is stitched into our hearts
for we bear the God-man’s image


may we see each other in light of Christ’s perspective
and behold the magnificent kisses of our King
that are the marks of beauty
on every created heart


I am finding freedom
in not needing to be God
we are who we were made to be
and that’s a freeing place to be

pressing towards hope

She’ll calls me today
little sister
And ask if anything’s new
Just like she always does
And I find comfort in knowing
That she cares
what I’m up to

I think it’d be humble
to throw away everything
into the can He’s holding for trash
And his eyes would be burning
Too pure to look on evil
Blue as the sea—many times through
And I’d beg to cast away my
Very self
Just for a moment to dwell on
His name

In my core
I know those things are harder
done than said
and it’s painful
to follow through

And listening and words
Have become more profound
Than they ever have
And I am much smaller
Than I had first perceived

pride still chokes me

and I hurt
I need You just as much as ever
some days I don’t let on
but I’m crying in my heart
“Don’t give me a stone.
Daddy, please don’t give me a stone.”

peace reigns
it rings shrill and clear
I’m wandering
but my soul You still

and I press on

I need to find You
I need to know You
more than I’ve ever known before
I need to penetrate
the depths of Your Spirit
and probe the mysteries of Your heart

If I don’t, I will rot
rot out
rot straight through

I must know
I must have hope
I must know You

meditation. day two

One quest
and two quiet mornings
the morning’s late
but my soul is still
the house is quiet
and most rooms are vacant
except for the peace
of one sleeping still
peace comes thick
though my soul is vacant
quiet me down
beneath the heat of the sun
late have I listened
on a quest to know You richly
rich is the time
that is spent with You
my plan is spent
but your eyes burn vivid
the heat of Your compassion
knocks me to the ground
I seek Your face
in my imagination
and dust out fear
that my soul will reign

royalty

I know two kings who married twin queens
And I sat in their presence—in their very presence
Wise as wisdom grows with age
And they love me richly, they do
I’m pained to live so far away
What I’d give for a set of days
To sit in their kitchens
Sit in their kitchen as one king makes pies
Fashioned with skill—as one learned in the art
What I’d give for a set of days
To sit in their kitchens
Sit in their kitchen as the other couple plays
Gospel songs from golden days
Days that passed many years ago
If you say we bless you, the blessing’s all mine
Just to listen to your voices
Is like sugar for my heart
And these sweet queens
And gentle kings
Give me hugs and loving kisses
And bake me cookies
And say I’m growing up to be a sweet young lady
And I can’t believe a queen would say
Such words, such blessings to me
And I’m pained to live so far away
For I’d give anything for a set of days
To watch them in the ways they love
And walk with seasoned poise
I know two kings who married twin queens
Grandpa, Grandma, great aunt and uncle
They’re royalty,
To me

an answer

The Lord is faithful. I believe I've finally received clarity on which line of study I should pursue in college. Thank you, Jill, for solidifying that today :)
As many of you know, I'd tossed around three different areas of study (nursing, counseling, and journalism) but I’m finally recognizing what I've been drawn to the most, for quite a long time--counseling. I know that the Lord has asked me to go to Africa, and I may have a chance to go with my dad and a small group of doctors in the spring. I would really love to go into specific countries some day with professional training; I keep hearing people say (when talking about their various callings in Africa or with human trafficking victims) that what they need now are professional counselors. Every time I hear that, I want to be the one who goes.
Specifically, I am most drawn to victims of sexual abuse, abuse, mental illness, eating disorders, and human trafficking. I think I would get really burnt out if I held private practice, but my dream would be to go with a team of doctors into countries that need medical, spiritual, and psychological help. I also really desire to be a foster parent or adopt a child or two who have had a history of abuse, which would utilize the training I receive in counseling.
I am so looking forward to pursuing this degree and excited for what the Lord has in store! I would love prayer that the Lord would continue to guide and direct my path and that His will would be done. Thank you all!

sisters

We spend the later hours, most
Closer than a cousin close
Past our child, hurtful woes
The future’s colored “rose”

On the clock
Or in the shop
Our hearts laid on a table top
Complete with tea
And sugar packs
We’ll talk an hour dead

My hair of ash
And yours of red
Opposite as two can get
Yet through and through
Time has proved
We share two sister hearts

weak

Desire eludes me
each path is tiring
each road the same direction--on
my soul is dormant
sick of the same
the adventure's gone

When You wake me, I'll come home
these wanderings are a memory; I know
just short of 18 years, this road
but it feels I've wandered long
been a stranger all this life, I know
been waiting to see Your face, so long

restore my hope
restore my song

"...do not throw away your confidence;
it will be richly rewarded.
You need to persevere
so that when you have done the will of God,
you will receive what he has promised."

Hebrews 10:35-36

on meditation--oh the deep waters of His love in our being

You welcome me into Your chambers
And my heart is stilled before You—
In awe of the fear of Your roaring love
A consuming fire in the quiet place
You fill me fresh with Your Holy Spirit
Topped off and overflowing
Like a glass of cool water on a summer day
How is it that you desire to know me?
I am so small
A grain of sand in the sea of Your great love
Carried by the current of Your grace
Renewed by the tides of Your faithfulness
You rain compassion on me
I am a plant thirsty in this drought
Soak me with Your light
I am hungry for You
Jesus
My dear, Jesus
You call me Your own
Take my heart
Take all I am
I am Yours

Be still

Do not lose heart
Though all is shaken

Quickly He has come
Bearing joy in His laughter
Strength in His eyes

There is grace for the brokenhearted
Security for those who call upon His name
For all who seek His face

We shall lie down in peace
For our Shepherd is ever watchful
He watches over us by night
He ministers to our hearts even in sleep

We do not fear uncertainty
Our God is sovereign

He stirs the waters with His fingers
His breath awakes the mighty winds

My King,
This is my request
And this is what I seek
That I may dwell in Your presence
And in your steadfast love

May I be counted worthy of bearing Your name
And devote my all to the work of Your hands

All glory, praise, and honor to the matchless name of Jesus
The Lamb who was slain

Never Once - Matt Redman

This seems to be the theme of Jordan's and my lives the past six months. The Lord is faithful.

“How can I get rid of these feelings?” by Nathaniel McVay

Oh, how can I get rid of these feeling? Of wars and fights without any healing. Oh, how the clock has stopped, in the middle of time. I’m the only one on this small industrial planet, but I still feel like I have a companion… in my mind. Oh how the winds of the world have changed from their original form, into this beast that changes kindness into hatred, Peace into war, and the sinless into the sinful. How can I get rid of these feelings? Of sins that can’t be stopped, of Places I can’t destroy, of minds that can’t be cleansed? Once again I ask, “How can I get rid of these feelings?”, Only time will tell.

Sabbath search

Vacant house
Face to the floor
"I am like a desert owl, like an owl among the ruins."1
Thirsty
I am weary for Your voice
Even in the morning,
my dreams unsettle my heart
"I lie awake; I have become like a bird alone on a roof."1
Answer me, O Lord,
my heart is open to Your instruction
I listen for Your whisper
amongst the desert winds
"But you, O Lord, sit enthroned forever...In the beginning you laid the foundations of the earth, and the heavens are the work of your hands. They will perish but you remain..."1
And You say, "Remain in me, and I will remain in you."2
"...you remain the same."1


1 Psalms 102
2John 15:4

Eclipse 12/21/10

drenched in heartbeats of the dying sun—
the rest of the sky is suffocating
the cold is stiff this year
and last night the moon was blood
I ached for the sun to burn up and drizzle like ash—
for the stars to lose their grip and plunge from their mounts
just to know You’ve finally come back
my field's but a fifth plowed, I'd guess
so I wait
dig up
dig up
chip at the ground
frozen and hard--unyielding as death
to give up souls like potatoes
how has the soil been this hardened by sin?
Your Name falls flat on their stone faces
sometimes the harvest doesn’t seem ripe
when all we can feel is the cold
and they turn their backs as we speak
but we are not abandoned
I trust in Your promise
You give what we ask
I ask for souls
souls like potatoes
dug up like treasure
from this frozen ground
our hands are raw from effort
but Your truth is a spade
Your Spirit water
Your love warmth
Lord, we wait
We wait

6 miles nowhere

Peace brought to me on a gravel road
where the rind rolls, I know I'm home
my eyes--every thirsty for a glimpse of sky
my mind soothed with green
sun fingers in through my thick straw hat
and my Chacos carry me on
on through a day not strangled by time
walking from home to nowhere

Nicaragua summary

Thank you all who supported me in both prayer and with money for my trip to Managua, Nicaragua.
Bear with me; perhaps my experience was different than other members of my team, but I prefer to tell it as it was. ☺ I arrived frustrated. I was resentful of the fact that we were going to serve but were being served and receiving special treatment. I did not want to stay at a resort while Nicaraguans slept in shacks. I did not want to be labeled and treated with dignity because I am American. I suppose I felt that this trip would be about the Lord drawing me closer to Him through the little trials and situations we faced as a team. Thus, I did not go in expecting a life-changing experience. In fact, when the trip was over, the clearest revelation I sensed was that people are the same everywhere. It doesn't matter where I am as long as I’m where the Lord wants me. The safest and most blessed place to dwell is right where He is. Thus, I really did not feel any different being in Nicaragua than I felt being in the United States. I felt that this trip was just another small piece in the Lord’s magnificent plan. However, that is not to say that my experience was not rich. Let me share with you ☺
We arrived in Managua on a Sunday evening and were taken to the resort where our team stayed the rest of the week; our group stayed in Managua until Monday, but I left Thursday morning, as you may know, after receiving news that my Grandpa died while serving in Africa. Most of us slept in cabins except for the majority of our guys who preferred to "rough it" by sleeping in the hammocks set up in clusters throughout the camp. The weather averaged 95 degrees most days paired with humidity, which was a welcome change from the chilling Kansas weather. The bulk of our time was spent teaching English classes on the UCA college campus in Managua as we partnered with the Young Life ministry on campus. Each morning, we helped teach an English class. Following that first class, we either taught another class immediately after or went to "conversation club" where each one of us team members would lead a group of Nicaraguan students through probing conversation topics. Afterwards, we headed to lunch and then met up with two students who had been assigned to us as our English partners. These students took us on tours around their campus and city. We spent the evenings as a team debriefing, worshipping, and sharing; then we had free time before heading to bed.
Our second night in Nicaragua was an adventure! One of us girls forgot to shut the door, and we discovered that approximately 300 beetles (like a smaller version of our June bugs) had swarmed into our room. Beetles were everywhere--in our beds, on the ceiling, on the walls, on the floors, in the bathroom. We found this quite humorous and named all the beetles "Larry". Every so often we would flick "Larrys" out of our sheets or warn another girl if a "Larry" was crawling towards her. Our cabin was filled with laughter and memories that night.
Another evening, a team member and I got to talk to one of the Nicaraguan Young Life leaders. We had not realized just how inadequate our two or three years of Spanish classes had been! Communication was a delightful struggle. We conversed back and forth using our limited Spanish and deciphering his broken English. Despite the language barrier, we felt “in tune” with one another because of the Holy Spirit inside of us. Fire was in his eyes, and the powerful connection of the Holy Spirit in all of our hearts made up for the words we could not speak.
During conversation club, Tuesday, I got to share the gospel with a group of five or six girls. Wow, seeing the eyes of two of the girls in that group light up was thrilling! No feeling exists like connecting on the basis of Truth with another person. In contrast, my heart broke for my English partners as I looked at their faces and saw the brokenness in their eyes--no life, no hope. I was only able to talk to them about what I believed and their beliefs, briefly. I was sad to leave those precious girls. However, throughout the trip, the Lord was teaching me to take everything in stride. He gave me an abundance of grace. I did not feel overwhelmed even when I received the news that my grandpa had died. In fact, I felt even more joy, peace, and strength in my heart and thankfulness that He finally got to be with his Jesus.
All in all, I was so blessed to be able to have the experience of travelling overseas to be with believers from another country and help them bolster their campus ministry. I was blessed by the people I met and by my team. Thank you, again, to all who graciously gave and held us in your prayers.

forward

It's strange to harbor a mellow heart
pressed by the couriers of time to grow up fast
tiredness has taken harborage within these youthful bones
but I've a new rendition of joy
my words have all skirted away
at the precipice of this new beginning
my plans--sealed letters, I mail away
I promised You I'd go

Faithful One,
bind me with the cords of Your steadfast love
I dare not stray from Your will
My heart You've tried
try me, again
that I may be found faithful and true

Angst I sift as I weigh my sight
but I hold a stringent conviction:
that You are the same as yesterday
today, and thus forever

I will not fear
Your arms firm on my shoulders
one step forward
I check to confirm
reassured by Your gaze unwavering

where You lead me, I will go
I am willing
yes, I am willing

Birdy

My dear,
Your face was less foggy than the days before today.
I wish I could speak all the words I will say.
My mommy heart can see your almond-brown eyes,
and I bet you hair's raven black.

I've tried writing you letters,
but my words all dissolve,
and I feel so very young.

Birdy,
Have other mommies broken your little wings instead of giving you kisses at night?

I'll give you kisses,
Birdy, hold tight!

Lord, protect my little girl's life!
Bless her and keep her safe, tonight.

I'm coming, Princess, as soon as I can.
You'll be safe in my arms in a jiffy, alright?

To you, Maynard

Brother,
here's to adventures.
up a ladder
through the catwalk
insulation packed heavily
like dust collected over years of neglect
To knocking on the door
of our friends Ben and Jerry
Ice-cream scoops too big for our cones
and a discussion
over the importance of water fountains
Here's to learning how to drink water--
correctly.
To sea-salt doughnuts
Veggie Tales and Spaghetti O's
To your thoughtful words
and abundant gifts--of which I can't repay
Here's to minutes passed and
adventures yet to come
Thank you,
for being my friend.

my confession

I'd rather die than waste my life,
and I will not be content to be only self-sustaining.
Tear me from all I love, Jesus, if You must.
Just let me be worthy of serving You.
I want to waste my life for the Kingdom.
Lord, there is nothing I love above You.
Where do You want me?
I will go. Please send me.

I see the prison in the eyes of the lady at Dillons--
feel the hurt of a daughter not yet my own.
My heart breaks at the shame of those who'll sit at my table.
Lord, just let me love.
Lead me, I will follow.
At the cross, I lay my heart, my vision.
You are Lord.

Misty Edwards - Let Me Love You More

Just let me know You more

I had a dappled cat cross my path--black and white, not just black. I had the thought, "Such is life--some good, some bad," I would've interpreted the sign, if I was superstitious. but I'm not. Thus, I kept on my way, wind to my face, strain on my legs, faster, faster down unkempt roads on my beloved bike. It does me good to forget time, forget it's continual plodding. I know there's a reason; it's just a season of awfully slow.

But I'm in love. My heart bursts with the watercolor sunrise and the chill, and at night I'm lost in the wonder of the skies. I'm in love with the Maker of the Universe. I consider myself blessed. My joy is made complete. He is my fulfillment, my sustenance in this wasteland. How I long for Him.

Perhaps we're all a bit rushed. Take a step. Marvel in the profoundness of forward motion--what a gift: to be free to walk forward, free from the quicksand and clawing boney hands of sin. Take another step; think on Him. Thankfulness stirs at the pat of your feet.

If you find love, will it not ruin every moment you remember without it? Is it not to be sought after? Does not your whole being cry out in anguish at the pursuit? Does not your heart long each time for more and more?

There is a love that grows more satisfying with every sip. Each drop leaves you thirsty for more, and it knows no bounds.

Teach me how to walk in Your presence--and never leave.

soured

How dearly I covet a cultivated love
My moments I give You are not my all
How I've forgotten the sound of Your voice
It seems part of a million
I'm a glass of milk sitting on the counter too long
I sour my own stomach with the warmth
I'm churning and beating the sides of this mug
How I want to be spilled and start empty again
Truly I want to know how to speak to You
Constantly
Know that I'm weary of monotony
I'm churned and I will walk in freedom
I will not let the contents settle
Discontent, and it's high time