untitled

Standing at the door to Your throne room
I’m afraid to call you Daddy
I can feel the matted fur clinging to my back
And falling in my eyes
Sticking to my forehead with my own sweat and tears
And my nails so long
And dirt underneath
From digging in places I’d rather not mention
My eyes are so glazed, I can hardly see
And in my haze I drop my shoulders towards the ground
And mirrors are glued to my feet
I frighten me
With the wandering lull I’ve been humming
I keep falling asleep
Even when I think I’m standing
Everything’s just alright
But my whole world’s spinning and turned upside down
And your voice
It comes second to mine

In my inner me I want to be known by you
But my mind tells me Guilt will never allow it
And that I’m a perpetual beast

I gnaw on my own arm sometimes
When I think I’ve done wrong
But everything looks hazy
And I’m tearing silently down to the bone

If you wanted me to be in this place
I’d chain myself to Time
But something soft
Way deep, down inside me
Whispers the cadence of Your heart
And sometimes I remember the joy that I had
When you put me in a white dress and called me Lovely
And I would have died just to hear you say,
Well done
But right now, I’m not fit to be a rug under your feet


I will wait for the day of awakening
When mud in my eyes becomes sight
And you, by deep grace, trim all my matted locks
and patch some unknown hole in my dry-walled heart

And I love that You’ll say,
And are speaking, right now
That You loved me

Even when I was a brute beast before You.