week 1

[Entries from the journal]

Friday, January 27, 2012,

…Had my first authentic fish and chips at The Pheasant Inn…never want it again. :D

I wonder how L’Abri will be.
15:05

(On the bus to Liss) Sheep were grazing on the bank of the highway!
15:20

Saturday, January 28, 2012,

First night at L’Abri complete. Cold! Heart racing all night.

Yoghurt and granola and toast and tea, this morning. The choir—made up of L’Abri students—has assembled this morning. Their melodies waft through the cracks in our worn wooden floor. My bunk is neat—checkered comforter warming my sheets. Jet lag calls me to sleep, but I shall not succumb, so that I may rest deeply this eve.
A cold fog coats our dorm windows.

A relentless aching band squeezes my head. Fatigue pulls on my eyes. “Give thanks in all circumstances.” Okay, what good is there to be found in today’s physical discomforts? Father, please allow me the grace to find good first in small discomforts. May Your praise be continually welling up in my heart and spilling forth from my lips! “Be joyful always. Pray continually.”
09:10

My first morning of studying. I’ve found a cozy spot with a desk by a window. The morning rays glow gentle and white through the makeshift curtain overlaid with stitched flowers. The lamp perched upon the desk casts a welcome glow over my desk’s cassette player and reading material. 1st book: One Thousand Gifts.
09:33

Tuesday, January 31, 2012,

Filling thirty glasses of water for lunch—thinking of oil jars that never ran dry.
As we give thanks, the miracle of joy continues to fill up our cup—like oil overflowing (thinking on One Thousand Gifts).


I am learning to give thanks.
Give thanks when a fire burns warm in the den at 11:00 tea.
Give thanks when hands are numb from hanging damp laundry in the winter air.
Give thanks when heat is sapped from my core at the break of dawn, in the midday, and in the black of night.
Give thanks when grating ginger.
Give thanks when stacking mounds of chopped wood.
Give thanks when scrubbing porcelain toilets and vacuuming tired carpets.
Give thanks: in the heavy peace of study by a crackling fire.
--in the warm conversation of new friends at dinner, candles and spirits burning bright.
--in each step closer in the frosty air to the closest town.
Give thanks!
And the joy always follows!
I taste a gossamer joy—sugary sweet wafers that melt in my mouth in the most menial tasks, in exhaustion, in frustration. How gentle the gratitude, how sweet the taste!

This week, as I ache for relational depth, build new friendships, wrestle deep questions, and adjust to the routine and structure of this refuge, I find comfort in the continual presence of my loving maker who woos and stills my heart even amidst chaos and who warms my heart when I shiver in discomfort. And the words continually arise, no matter the circumstance, no matter the time—give thanks!


Extra: Tips on Staying Warm

1. The water bottle. Thanks to the Germans, we students at L’Abri are escaping frostbite. I have found that when filled with boiling water and shoved to the end of my bed, I can wake up in the morning with all of my toes intact.
2. Tea. I am now accustomed to at least five cups of tea a day. Tea at breakfast, 11:00, lunch, 4:30, dinner, and on occasion late-night dessert. Tea not only serves at a much-need pick-me-up for the weary soul, but also as an efficient hand warmer. I may, however, need counseling for caffeine addiction when I return to the States.
3. Smartwool. I found, today, after yet another circulation sucking Reynaud’s attack that if I undress my foot, roast my toes for a few minutes by the fire, then quickly shove my warmed sole into a Smartwool sock and then into my fur-lined boots, I can stay quite comfortably warm for a while. However, Smartwool+cold feet=colder feet.

3-day down count

We sit silently, surrounded by hiking gear and high-end socks. She contentedly sips her Dasani water, face peaceful, blank. I slip my arm around her shoulder, and she slides close to me, feet hanging off the wooden bench. “I’m gonna miss you when I’m gone, Sister”

“I’m gonna miss you too.”

“Do you think you’ll stay in our room while I’m away?”

“Yeah.”

“Is there anything that you want to change?”

“You’re only gonna me gone for two months,” smiling eyes meet mine.

January to April—that seems like a good long while, I guess it’s not in the whole scheme of things. Come Thursday, I’ll be hauling a bloated suitcase onto a plane that’ll fly me across the pond to England, away from my Kansas home. Honestly, I was dreading the trip a week ago, but excitement’s welling up in me as the hours until departure slip by. I simply love adventure--it’s divine! The rawness of the unknown, the beauty of discovery, it’s just wonderful. I’m chomping at the bit for a change of scenery, and it’s time for an adventure. Oh, it’s HIGH time for an adventure! (When is it not?...)
I cannot wait to discover what the Lord has in store for these next few months. So much loving prayer has been poured over me regarding this trip, so much encouragement, and so much love. I believe this will be an experience that I’ll draw from for years to come.
Thank you dear friends and sweet family for the love and support you’ve offered me. As excited as I am to go, I’m already as excited to come back home to you all!
Lord willing, next time I write, I shall be across the sea!
Blessings to you all

they are dying!

Your plans are Sovereign, but I can’t comprehend them
Father, do not turn a deaf ear to my weeping!
See, your sheep are deceived
the people of this earth following a deceiver
he clothes himself with light, blinding the simple minded
Oh Father, destruction is their end!
How they wander blindly searching for hope, settling for simple answers they think will save them!
Oh Lord, why?
You have seen my nights of restless slumber
I cry out to you when the sun is high and when it sets
You burden me with sorrow
My prayers continue on for years, and I cannot see Your answers
Oh, Lord, whom I love, rescue Your beloved!
Oh how I love You, and how You frighten me.
I am terrified in Your presence.
Your sovereignty overwhelms me
I am afraid to swerve from Your course
Oh Lord, show me how fleeting is my life that I may not pass disillusioned
Fill me with the fire of Your word
Open my lips that I may boldly proclaim Your salvation
Earthly pleasures forsake me; I need You ever more!
I will die if I don’t hear Your voice.
If You were to become silent, I would hate my life
Oh, how I lose sight! How quickly I am lulled to sleep
I want to know the God I serve!
I want to know the nuances in Your voice; I need to know Your presence.
I want to know the penetration of Your gaze, and fall prostrate in the blinding light of Your presence.

Father, equip us to rescue Your sheep!

"There is a river flowing swiftly
whose streams make glad Jerusalem
the holy place where martyrs worship
the Kingdom where the Most High dwells

now is the time to strip away
where strongholds fall like cracking clay

where hard hearts are steeped in mercy
for the glory of His Name"

If you ceased to love me
I should die
I’d shrivel like a slug in a salt shower
I’d curl up like a frightened roly-poly
I feared my heart was petrified
a hopeless waste of stone
for the last few years I’d traveled
were the strangest this heart’s known
but you came in like a whisper
umbrella’d me with joy
planted flowers in my spirit
and—
You are a rhyme with no beginning
who can’t be summed into and end
You Are who You Are and will be
with whom no darkness contends

Refine

Tell me Maker, won’t You please,
Why blessings come in spades
These are the joyful days

The sun, it woke me up today
I know not what to pray
It seems my heart is glass

Shatter all the thoughts I mask
In You I put my hope
All others have to go

Refine my heart ‘till it is gold
Renew all that is old
Seek and I shall find

Matthew 5:37

Muster on a faithful trot
Weighted by the cares I sought
Repentance is my freeing lot
I beg it claims my heart

Stayed within a purposed stall
Integrity is worth the crawl
If I’m to wash my tongue of gall
I must first lay bare my heart



"Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one." Matt. 5:37